


A hand to hold

by Nugstrash



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Intrusive Thoughts, Kissing, Legal drug use, M/M, Magic, Naked Cuddling, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Nudity, Other, Panic Attacks, Partial Nudity, Prescription Drug Use, Self-Harm, Soul Bond, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, be safe, don’t read if you’re easily triggered, emotional distress, lots of triggers, male or female reader - Freeform, non specified reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:01:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27788686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nugstrash/pseuds/Nugstrash
Summary: You come home from a hard week of work and you have a stress induced panic attack. Sans comes home and comforts you.〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️
Relationships: Sans (Undertale)/Reader
Kudos: 43





	A hand to hold

**Author's Note:**

> ❤️suicide prevention hotline: 800-273-8255❤️  
> ‼️panic attack‼️  
> ‼️hitting yourself‼️  
> ‼️intrusive thoughts‼️  
> ‼️emotional distress‼️  
> ‼️Prescription drug use‼️  
> ‼️some self harm‼️  
> ‼️mentions of past self harm‼️  
> ❗️❗️italics represent intrusive thoughts❗️❗️ ❕❕❕not all panic attacks are the same, I've based this on my panic attacks and my coping skills. Remember everyone experiences are different. Stay safe❕❕❕

❤️suicide prevention hotline: 800-273-8255❤️

The past week had been rough, it seemed like the work days just kept getting longer and longer. Your stress had built up throughout the time you spent dealing with your coworkers. You thought maybe your stress would have diminished once you got home, so you quickly got into your car and drove back.

On your way home you thought about how you couldn't wait to see your beloved monster boyfriend.

It was rough honestly.

The monsters had been freed for 5 years now but for some reason people just couldn't accept the fact that they existed and had feelings just the same as everyone else. A lot of people have accepted them for what and who they are but most others let their opinions be ruled by the fear of the unknown. But it's always been this way hasn't it? Humans have always let their fear of what they don't understand turn into prejudice. Wether it be race, culture, sexuality, identification along with so much more. Humans just can't get over themselves. That's unfortunately how a lot will stay.

Your coworkers have always steered clear of you because you where the person with a monster as a boyfriend.

Teasing you behind your back, even in front of you. Snickers and pointing fingers, even people giving you a wide birth as you walked past them.

It's been going on for 3 years now, you had been dating for 4 years now but only decided to tell people a year in.

But for some reason this past week had just been one of the weeks that it had really gotten to you. You where emotionally drained to say the least.

Before you knew it you where in front of your small cozy house. You parked in your driveway but took note that sans Harley wasn't in the driveway.

You just figured maybe he was working a bit late today.

You take your key out of the ignition, lock your car and slowly walk up to your house slowly. you could feel your emotions rising, like bile stuck in your throat. You knew you could let go when you where home, but you didn't want to. You wanted to at least try and take a shower and see if that could help you relax and prevent a possible breakdown.

You unlock your navy blue front door and walk in, locking it behind you as you take your shoes off. You noticed that sans' leather boots weren't by the door, but his pink slippers where. Meaning he hadn't come home yet.

You take in a big breath and let it out slowly as you walk to the bathroom.

Once in the bathroom you de robe and twist the handle until it's just a little over halfway, hopefully a good temperature.

You turn and look at yourself in the mirror. Your hair was a mess and you had bags under your eyes. Your run your hands over your face realizing how tired you are. You could feel the feeling of bile in your throat once more, along with the familiar feeling of a slight burning in your eyes as they teared up. Your fingers began to tap on the bathroom countertop.

You had to relax.

You turn on your heels and test the water of the shower, adjusting it a little, then hopping in. The feeling of the warm water on your back and sore neck was nice. But it wasn't helping your emotions much. You choked them down as much as possible.

You knew you could just call sans, but you didn't want to bother him. He could be working still, you don't want to interrupt him and his boss get upset.

He could also be driving, and you wouldn't want him to crash or anything if the ringing scared him.

You know you're overthinking this. You try to distract yourself by grabbing the shampoo but as soon as you do it's like something releases inside of you and your composure breaks. You don't know why this is happening. You don't know why you had gotten so stressed out from work this week. You don't even know why you're getting worked up.

Your breathing grows difficult and your legs shaky. You slowly sit down on the shower floor, letting the water hit your knees but not your head. You could feel your chest tightening and your head getting fuzzy.

You know you need to call him. You know you need him. He can just help you calm down until he gets home. But you also know he has his own problems.

You know that he's struggling with his own anxiety, you know he worries a lot when he sees you having a panic attack.

...

A panic attack

...

Oh god your having a panic attack. Between the short time you drove home and got into the shower you just figured you where having a hard time and needed a good cry. But the realization settled in hard. And it only made it worse.

_Why now?_

_Why couldn't this have just been a simple stress issue._

_Why couldn't you just have a normal fucking brain._

_You always do this._

_You always make things harder for yourself._

_It's okay._

_Just call him._

_But you can't._

_It hurts._

_Your so tired of this._

_You're so tired of always doing this to everyone._

You realize you're bodies shaking and you're sobbing.

You set your head into your knees and try to relax, you hardly even realize that the water is now hitting your head, running down your cheeks and dripping off of your nose. It occasionally went under your nose and sat on your nostrils making it difficult to breathe.

You needed to hold onto something, anything. Your shaking hands reach for your legs, grasping onto them very roughly. It hurts. You try to hold them softly, letting your fingers switch between resting on your legs to digging your nails into them. The pain distracted you. Which just made you cry more.

_It's not okay to hurt yourself_

_But in this situation isn't it acceptable?_

_You know you won't break skin to the point where you'll bleed, you'll just leave indents._

_It doesn't matter if you bleed anyway, you can just wear long pants._

_He will know._

_But you can make sure he doesn't find out._

_It'll feel better._

Your hands reach for your head, harshly grasping onto your hair. You began to rock your body with your feet a little bit to stimulate some other kind of feeling, to try and distract yourself. It didn't help. It was getting worse.

_Stop it._

_You look like a phyc ward patient._

_You aren't actually hurting._

_You're making yourself think this._

_You can calm down at anytime._

_You aren't actually depressed._

_You can stop the pain._

_You know you can._

_You're doing this for attention._

It was progressing, your hands trembling as you slowly clench and in clench your fists. You don't want to. You really want this to stop. It hurts so much. You feel like you're lost forever, that nobody is ever gonna be able to bring you back. Before you know it the thoughts get worse.

_Why are you taking so long?_

_Off yourself._

_You know how to stop the pain._

_You've seen people move on from death._

_They'll get over it._

_You remember how to take the razors out._

_You remember._

_You remember how good it feels._

Your closed fist begins to hit yourself in the head. You don't want to, but it helps.

_Your right._

_You know the pain feels good._

"Please stop" you choke out.

_You love the way it feels when it scabs over._

_You love the feeling of pride when you see the scars._

"St-stop" you begin to hit harder. You can almost hear the sound of it in your skull.

_It's okay._

_Just do it._

Both of your hands are working as one now, almost like someone is making you hit yourself. It hurts. You don't want to leave marks on your head. You're afraid of hun being mad at you. Of people knowing what you do to yourself.

**_J u s t_ **

**_K I l l_ **

**_Y o u r_ **

**_S e l f_ **

"STOP!" You screamed. It hurt, it hurt so bad. You just wanted to make it stop. But before it could go any further you heard the familiar sounds of the front door clicking shut.

Your breath hitches and your head shoots up. By this time you realize the water has gone cold and your scalp is sore from pulling your hair. You feel some sort of relief that sans is home but also some sort of panic.

A soft clunk of his boots hit the ground and you hear.

"Hey baby. I'm home, sorry it took so long." he sounded a little more tired than usual, he must've worked hard.

Your breathing quickens. You feel like your choking. you can't do anything other than struggle to breath.

"Y/N?" Sans calls for you. He sounds a little bit closer. He doesn't know your in here. You try to call for him but all that comes out is a choked sob, you can't breathe. You feel like you're suffocating.

You hear soft thumps across the wooden floor up to the bathroom door. You subconsciously flinch when you hear his knuckles tap lightly on the door.

You can't breathe.

"Hey, you taking a shower?"

You can't breathe.

"Y/N?"

You can't breathe.

"I'm gonna come in, tell me now if it's not okay" he raises his voice a little, he sounds worried.

But you still can't breathe. You're choking for air. It feels like your throat has closed up. You exhale aggressively and choke a bit.

"Y/N! Hey it's okay! Hold on one second." You hear footsteps frantically stepping away.

He knows that you're having a panic attack, y know he does. He can always tell. You don't know where he went. Why didn't he open the door? Is he gonna come back?

Not even a second later you hear him just about sprint back to the door. He fumbles with the knob for a bit before you hear a loud clink!

Oh that's right... you had locked the door out of habit. You guess you never heard him trying to open the door.

The door slams open and you hear him walk to the curtains. You can hear his phalanges touch the curtain but pause before he says.

"Im going to open the curtain" He sounds very worried. Even when you're in your worst state he cares about you being comfortable with him seeing you naked. He knows you can't answer but waits a second before pulling the curtain back.

You can't look at him. Your body won't let you. But knowing he can see you like this makes you feel extremely insecure.

"Fuck (Y/N)" he says panicked before he reaches over and turns the water off. You feel even colder without the chilled water hitting your head. But you also feel exposed, like with the water off he can see even more of you for some reason.

He kneels next to the tub you're sitting in and sets a hand on your shoulder and leans his head toward your face so he can see your expression.

You're eyes are red and and your face looks a little swollen and red, but no bruising. He can tell you've had your hands in your hair with the directions it's facing. You're lips are swollen from what he would guess to be you crying.

You didn't have the strength to look at him. But his brow one was taut in a worried expression and his eye lights where mere pinpricks, while his normal permigrin was low and concerned.

"Hey, hey. It's okay, it's okay." he rubs your back slowly.

"Do you need a Xanax?" It was a genuine question. He knows you didn't like taking it. But that's what it was there for. You and him both knew it was either that or you hurting yourself, or even him losing you.

But you couldn't respond. You where still having a hard time breathing.

He kissed your head and stood up before saying "I'll be back, I promise." And walking out of the bathroom.

You say there attempting to calm your breathing before he came back with a small round pink pill and a small glass of water. He kneels to your side again and places the glass on the side of the tub.

"Baby, you're gonna have to calm your breathing a bit before I give you this. I don't want you to choke." He says before stepping into the wet tub behind you and sitting with his chest on your back and his legs on either side of you. He used some magic to help him lift you're nude shaking body into his lap before he wrapped his arms around your torso and grabbed your hands in his one free hand and laid his skull on your left shoulder looking over it while trying to discreetly check your arms, legs and stomach for any cuts or self harm.

He audibly let out a breath of relief when he saw that your skin was clean of self harm. He then proceeded to whisper to you gently and rock you very lightly to help you calm down a bit.

"Come on baby, it's okay. Breathe with me. In... out.. in... out.." his voice was low and gentle, soothing your rigid breathing into a more normal paced shaky pattern. He probably sat there for a couple minutes before your breathing was okay enough for you not to choke.

"There you go sweetheart." He kisses your shoulder. "It's gonna be okay" he opens his hand to show the small pill sitting on his capitate bone in his palm.

He doesn't say any more and just let's you grab it at your own pace, and you do.

Your trembling damp hand reaches for the pill and you grab it between your index finger and thumb before popping it in your mouth and dry swallowing it. There's a bit of residue on your fingers from where it had dissolved just a tad from the moisture in your hand. You ignore it though.

Sans hands you the cup sitting on the tub ledge and you take it graciously. You take a sip before realizing how sore and dry your throat is from crying. So you take a couple more sips before handing it back to his awaiting skeletal hand. He sets it down on the outside of the tub on the floor and pulls you a bit closer and wraps one arm around you, taking your hands again. While the other goes up to your hair and pets it gently.

Your breathing has calmed but you're still crying a bit. You feel horrible that he had to come home to you having a panic attack. You know he cares and you know he always wants to help but you still feel guilty for some reason.

You shiver a little from being wet and exposed to the cold air. You see a faint blue glow and a soft humming noise before a soft fluffy towel floats onto the side of the tub before sans grabs it and takes a second to adjust you both and wraps it around you lovingly, he rubs your upper arms and tries to dry you off a little bit.

You sigh into his touch and lean back into him. He holds you and kisses the back of your head.

You've stopped crying and start wiping your eyes a bit. Sans moves a little bit under you before asking-

"Is it okay if I take you to our bed and get you comfortable?" You take a second to respond. When you do your voice is hoarse and quiet.

"I didn't actually get to clean myself" you say. He chuckles lowly and you can feel it's rumble on your back. You smile lightly and give a little chuckle.

"Well, would you like to take a real shower first?" He asks into your shoulder. You nod your head lightly.

"I don't know if I can though" you croak. He hums and clears his throat.

"Would you like me to join you and help? I'm in need of a shower anyway after work. Plus I'd be bone-ly taking one on my own." You can practically feel the smirk on his face as he says that. You give a weak laugh and nudge him with your elbow a little bit.

"Tibia honest that sounds pretty good" you say with a tired smirk. He chuckles.

By now the medicine is kicking in and you're feeling emotionally and physically exhausted due to the amount of energy you just spent.

You're grateful to have someone like sans. You never thought you'd ever be able to be get out of a panic attack without regrets but sans has proven that you can. And that with a little bit of help you can get better.

Again he uses his magic to help lift you up so he can step out of the tub and places you gently back down. He smiles down at you and you smile up at him thankfully. But your smile drops a little when you see that his clothes are all wet from sitting in the tub with you in his lap.

"Sorry." You mumble. He gives you a confused look and kneels back down to your position. He places a hand on your cheek gently and rubs your face with his thumb slowly before really looking you in the eyes.

"For what?" He asks seriously.

"Just everything I guess, I got your clothes wet and you had to help me with a panic attack when you already had a long day" you say looking down a little. He gives you a little smile.

"You didn't pull me into the tub, and I'm always gonna be here to help you. If I didn't want to help you I wouldn't have. I love you and I want to make sure you're always okay." He responds. You put your own hand over his and nod as if to say 'I understand'

He stands up and asks you if it's okay if he takes his clothes off, you tell him yes and he begins to disrobe.

You watch him take off his leather bike jacket and set it on the sink counter before taking his white t shirt off after. You can see the soft glow of his beautiful soul in his chest, it had some cracks in it and was a little beat up. But beautiful nonetheless.

He explained to you a while ago why it was so worn down, everything he had went thought to get to that point. Everything that broke him down as a person and pushed him to the point of giving up.

All you wanted to do was to help heal it and let him know he's gonna be okay every time you saw the soft glow.

You follow his hands as he unbuckles his belt and slides off his worn down jeans, but not before struggling to kick it off of one leg and almost falling over. Then followed by his socks then his boxers.

You took a moment to sink in his gorgeous form before dragging your eyes up to see him looking at you with a knowing look on his face.

Your cheeks heat up and he lets out a breathy laugh before coming over to help you stand. He holding your hands firmly and slowly pulls you up on your wobbly legs before you're able to catch your balance. He takes your towel and hangs it back up before turning the water on (making sure you're out of range of it first) and hopping in with you.

You watch the water trickle down each bone as he lets out an easy sigh. He looks up at you before holding his arms out, asking for you to hug him.

You walk up to him in uneasy legs and embrace him lovingly before backing up and kissing his forehead.

He lets you use his shoulders to keep to stable as he grabs some soap and helps you lather yourself. He does the same before rinsing you both off. He then grabs the shampoo and massages your head with it. Which in turn results in you almost falling asleep.

He makes sure to get all the soap out before turning the water off.

He takes a towel and wraps it around you before grabbing one of his own and wrapping it around his waist.

He picks you up bridal style and carries you carefully out of the bathroom to your shared bedroom, he sets you on the edge of the bed. He uses your towel to dry you and dry your hair the best he can. He walks to his closet and grabs one of his big shirts and hands it to you. You put it on and sigh in comfort.

He walks to your underwear drawer and grabs what you call your 'granny panties' and hands them to you. You chuckle and put them on.

"What are those not okay?" He asks genuinely. You grab his waist and nod 'no'

"No they're okay, I just think it's cute that you want me to be comfortable." You say. His skull goes a bit blue.

"Well of course, I want you to be comfortable." He states still a little embarrassed. He gently removes your hands and puts on clothes of his own before sneaking into bed and laying down next to you, you lay down with him and he covers you with the blanket before scooting towards you. You lay on your sides facing each other and he reaches up and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear.

"How're you doing" he asks.

"Better, just tired now." You tell him, you snuggle up to him and wrap a leg around his.

"I'm glad. Do you want to talk about what happened?" He wraps his arm around your waist and pulls you closer. You nod.

"I've just been having a long week and I think everything just built up, I'm sorry" you sincerely apologize. He squeezes your side a little.

"You don't have to apologize, it happens and all we can do is get through it together. But remember if at anytime you need to you can call me okay?" You nod once more.

"I'll try, I was a little worried about calling you today." You say admittedly.

"I know, sweetheart. As long as you try that's all that matters. I just get worried of what might happen if I'm not here." He places his hand on your chest. Feeling your soul trough it. You do the same to him and stare into his eyes.

"I know." You whisper softly.

He looks up at you and slowly leans in as if to ask if it's okay if he kisses you or not. You lean in as well and slowly close your eyes.

When you meet it's like that first time you ever kissed, it's never gotten old and you feel like you're falling in love with him all over again. You pull away before one more quick kiss.

"I love you, sans" you say. His face flushed and you see the blue glow behind his shirt burn brighter.

"I love you to, (Y/N)." He says.

You smile and cuddle up into his chest, feeling the warmth of his soul before it lulls you to sleep.


End file.
